He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Enjoy the penises
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
