I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
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his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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