I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
