forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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