Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
