She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
