Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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