he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
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Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
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Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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