I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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