I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
