p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
