I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just found puke in my bra..
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
3 2 1 whiskey
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
