so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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