I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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