he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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