Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
