Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
What drink are we having for lunch?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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