But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
