Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
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