I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
