you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
