What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
