she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
