dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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