just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
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I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
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Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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