is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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