so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
