My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
