He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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