you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
handjob tips. give me some.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
