my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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