She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I wish there were birth control emojis
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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