We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
