Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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