I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
