I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
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I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.