foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Still dying that you shit outside
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
