AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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