are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
