im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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