I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Thank you for not boning my boss.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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