Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
