My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
