Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
he thought i was a dude.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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