dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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