don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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