I accidentally burped into my bong.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
