i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
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Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
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Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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