apparently the secret to your success is patron
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
