you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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