You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
