the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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