she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
