Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
