1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Are my feet made of real feet?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
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