After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
