Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
