There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
