I puked a lego.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
