do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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