if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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