I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He has the fingertips of a God
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
